Remember

Remember
When?
What?
How and Why? oh Why?

Where did it all go to? Shall it come back? Somethings come back..

The quail are back. Cute and fat and noisy and wonderful. Poking about in my backyard looking for all the leftovers that made it thru the winter. The wind is blowing so much, that at times they look like they are hunkering down to keep from being blow from the cliff and up to the clouds. The boys chasing the girls, chasing off each other. Swaggering about with their little coronet dipping up and down with each little pompous step.

The rain is back, the snow has departed the lower areas. The rain is good, we need the rain to help prepare us for a long hot summer. I see the spring starting to creep into the day. The nights still belong to winter, but spring has spread her fingers over the day and we can now hear her breathing life back into the world.

What a year it has been. A year of change, a year of pain, a year of growth.
Why at 43 do I suddenly feel like I have grown up. I haven't, but suddenly I see. Problem is I am just learning to see, so it makes little sense to me and I can be easily swayed by succulent voices promising happiness or those other voices that scratch and create fear and suspicion.

I want to be completely selfish. I want to find my sun spot and curl into the dust diamonds floating about in that personal space. I want to have someone feed my soul with words and music that is played upon me and for me. I want to lose myself in the unparalleled grandeur of what I see, what I perceive. I want to have those eyes staring into mine, cutting to my soul and feeding my heart with all those secret thoughts and feelings.

I want to learn. I want to laugh and say "la de da - it will have to wait" and not feel the pressure to conform, to perform, be deformed.
I want to laugh. Giggle, sputter, guffaw, hearty belly laugh that takes all reason away.
I want to scream. Scream away doubt, scream away pain, scream away fear.

Touch me behind the knees - I am ready I can take it! Blow softly behind my ears, let your tongue touch the back of my neck. Feel the electricty? Feel the being? Feel the surreal?

But I don't and I feel I can't. Horrid awful words. And they are all in my head. Conditioned to be the 'good' the 'responsible' the 'sane' the 'practical'. Yeah, those are the words I want to hear at my eulogy.

I want to hear that I was fun, that I looked and I found. That I was fearless and a good friend and mother. That I loved and was loved in return. That I read and then I read some more and was never satiated. I want to be remebered for my fairness and my passion. I want to be remembered for willing to try the ridiculous and be laughed at and laughed with.

Let go. Let go of your inhibitions, let go of that which makes you boring, tired and unhappy.
Live on the edge - go for the long walk thru the unknown path, up the mountain. Breathe the air and let it fill you and float you and make you feel alive.